21st Century Cosmodemonic

A jandal from the inside

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

How to Pick Up Chicks

I was once given a piece of advice by a very wise man.

“If you want to pick up chicks, go somewhere where there’s lots of chicks,” he said, and sure, he was wise. But I’ve since doctored this advice into a subversive and non-intuitive piece of dogma all my own: If you want to pick up chicks go somewhere where there’s lots of guys.

You see, plenty of people have heard the original idea. So if you go somewhere where there’s lots of girls, probably they’re not there to meet men. And, pretty soon it’ll be over run by canny men trying to pick up. They steal your thunder, best lines and all the girls.

Nowadays, what with women’s lib and all, apparently women are allowed to try to pick up too. I did a quick poll, and 100% of all Lackeys surveyed think this is rad. And where are all these interested women going to go when they want to meet men? Somewhere where there’s lots of men, of course. So the plan is to get there early to get a good spot. And then we play the waiting game. When a lady arrives you can be fairly sure she is there to pick up, and all the other men won’t notice her because they are doing manly stuff like talking about cars and real estate, comparing biceps and teasing each other about being gay. So play the waiting game with confidence that this plan will eventually pay great dividends. This plan is sublime in its simplicity, unique in its design and awesome in its ambition. When it works it will be a transcendent moment of revelation, which will quickly be followed by great sex.

But, one more word of advice: don’t try to explain all this to puzzled workmates who notice you’ve been in the men’s room all day.

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