Too cool

Now this is just too cool.

And I don't care what anyone else says, I want a magic cloak.

A remarkable story of courage, survival and lubricant

You may have been wondering where I’ve been lately. I’ve been a little tied up. I’ll try to explain, but it’s a long story and you’ll probably get bored:

These last few weeks have been the toughest and most humbling experience of my life. They have taught me more than I thought possible to know about the random nature of peril and salvation in this world, about myself, and about my friends and family who never gave up on me. And about the remarkable properties of lubricant.

You’ll remember I told you how I met Ebony, the stripper mistress of one of the nameless executives from the penthouse level of my building. As she left me to tend to my (rather significant) wounds, burns, contusions and bruises in the building’s sick bay, she left me a business card.

EBONY
Professional, personal, pliable
Call…

And a phone number which I have decided not to publish at this stage due to possible forthcoming legal action.

So I spent a week or two being nursed back to health, first by Cute Nurse in the Sick Room, then, after she sent me home, by the demons in my room. (They helped in the end. Better not to dwell on it though.) After several nights of tossing and turning and waking in severe pain, I rediscovered Ebony’s card, and it prompted me to forget my pain, which I did by inhaling a quart of vodka, followed by a litre of tonic (for the inoculating effects of the quinine, and it makes a nice mixer too). Thus fortified, I made the call.

Hello?
Uh, hi, is that Ebony?
… Who’s calling please?
Um, it’s Lackey here, we met a couple of weeks ago? I was the one in the elevator at Cosmodemonic, and then at the party, and getting beaten up a lot, remember? With the firey drapes, and the bouncers came from nowhere with the sledgehammers, and the hell hounds?
Oh yes, Lackey, how are you healing up?
Oh look fine really. No worries! Actually, I’ve just been to my yoga class, and was at the gym before that. So, ah, I was wondering if you were free, maybe we could catch up some time?
Well, I was hoping that you’d recover ok. Look, I told you I have a partner, right? And you know what he did to you when he saw you with me that night.
Sure you told me you had a partner, but I didn’t realise he was one of the executives!
What did you think I was doing there?
Actually I thought you were the entertainment.
Hm. Well, that is how we met actually. But that’s beside the point now. He is my partner, and he gets quite jealous.
No shit. So you’re dating a Cosmodemonic executive. Wow.
Well, dating is such a loose term. Put it this way: we see a lot of each other.
He’s married isn’t he? To someone else I mean.
Well, yes. But it works out well between us.
So can I see you sometime?
Well, I am happy to know you’re ok, and I do feel partially responsible…
Oh, don’t worry, I get maimed every time I make it to that floor, honest.
… So, sure why not. But listen, because my partner is so jealous… look, come to my place tomorrow night, but just don’t tell anyone you’re coming ok? Make it our secret? Promise me.
Ok, I promise. A little intrigue is always intriguing.

She told me her address, and I wrote it on the card and hung up. Life was, once again, looking up.

The following evening, I sang my way to Ebony’s home. It took longer than it should have, since I forgot the card I had written the address on it, and after a while I was mostly singing “Ebony? Do you live around here? Helloooo…?” But eventually I found the place.

It was a big house, set on a big lawn with manicured gardens and pedicured grass. The door was big too, and made of oak, and when I rang the doorbell it swung open all by itself, like in a bad horror movie. It was spooky, though, and maybe I should have known then. But I didn’t. I walked in.

“Ebony?”
“Come on in,” she called, from somewhere down the hallway.
“Hell of a place you’ve got here,” I sauntered, hands in pockets, at ease for no good reason, and only more at ease when I looked through a doorway into a room to my right.
There was Ebony, curled on an armchair in front of a log fire, holding a glass of wine. Wearing only a negligee. She was beautiful and I felt more and more Raymond Chandler with each step. I went to her.
“You’re beautiful.”
“Thanks. Wanna drink?”
“Sure.”
She got up from the chair and moved to the decanters over by one of the floor to ceiling bookshelves, and as her blonde hair flowed across her throat I was in love. She poured a whiskey and added a little water, walked back across the room and handed it to me.
“I’m glad you came. I’ve been looking forward to tonight.”
“Really.”
“Yes. I want to apologise again for getting you into all that trouble last time. I do feel bad about it – you were really beaten badly.”
“Ah, don’t worry about it. It wasn’t so bad. I’m over most of the injuries, and the bruises are pretty funky colours now. It was all a bit of fun really.” I seated myself on a chair opposite hers.
“A bit of fun? Well, I guess that makes me feel a lot better. A heck of a lot better actually…” She nearly purred.
“Sure, a bit of fun, don’t worry about it… now how about you? This is a hell of a place you got. You live here by yourself? You really are a lady of mystery, aren’t you.”
“You don’t know the half of it, Lackey.” The lights started to dim, but I couldn’t see any switch, they must have been on a timer. I finished my whiskey.
“So what have you got planned for me tonight? It’s a great start so far!”
“Oh you just wait and see, you won’t have to wait too long, I promise. Now how about another drink? I know you like a drink.”
She got up again, and seemed to fade from view as she walked toward the drinks trolley. “Hey this house – it’s his isn’t it? I bet it’s his. Is his wife out of town or something? Hey, who’s that?”
A blurry figure had appeared on the outside of my vision, fading somehow in and out of focus, it seemed to be a middle aged man with a hairy pot belly, exposed by the leather straps of his bondage outfit. But it couldn’t be. This night was about Ebony and me… I dropped my glass. It was him.
“Ebony, look out, he’sh here, in the roommm…”
“You didn’t waste any time on him, my dear.”
“He’s a thirsty man, ok.”
“Well done. Now, come here…” The room went black.

I came to and immediately wished I hadn’t. This thought was stuck in my brain like a strobing sign: “NAARGGH!!” After a couple of long moments, it was gone, and my muscles relaxed. When the pain cleared and I could see again, I realised I had been woken by a pair of bloodthirsty psychopaths who had attached electrodes to my privates, and were now cackling at each other as I gasped and tried to collapse. I couldn’t collapse as my wrists were cuffed to chains hanging from the ceiling. My feet were chained to floor. And my balls were wired to a battery. We were inside some kind of a cage in a basement dungeon that the executive had spent a lot of time and money on fitting out. There were racks and arrays of various weapons and implements, restraints and This night had become a lot worse than I thought.
The executive and Ebony were standing in front of me, she had her hand on a switch, and he had a hand on her. They were both wearing leather bondage outfits, which could have been kind of cool, in different circumstances, like say if he wasn’t there at all and she wasn’t electrocuting my balls at will.
“Hey, this isn’t… so cool anymore.” It was hard for me to talk, or breathe, or pretty much do anything.
“Shut up, scum!” the executive shouted, and Ebony twisted the switch and it was spasms and contractions and NAARGGH!! for an infinity. “You think you’re good enough to share an elevator with my Ebony? You think you’re good enough to talk to her? You think you’re good enough to lick her boots? Well? Lick them scum!”
She kicked me in the face. Way too quick for me to clean her boots properly. So of course I was in trouble and here cam the zap again.
Anyway, look, I’ll save you all the gory details, and they were gory, trust me. Basically it transpired that he wasn’t happy that I’d received enough of a beating the other week, and she just liked electrocuting people. I still like to think that she had a soft spot for me, and that if he hadn’t been there, things might have been different. But get the two of them together, and they’re a pair of bloodthirsty, sadistic freaks. I’m pretty sure they did things to me that I have blocked out and hopefully will never remember again. Certainly, I have no recollection to explain some of the odder scars.
The torture continued, off and on, for a period of days, maybe even weeks, I lost track. They didn’t feed me, just left me strung up. Circulation started to go, I was out of it or light headed most of the time, so it’s hard to know anything for sure.

I spent a long time, alone, trapped underground in a cage. I survived on lubricant, and sucking the moisture from the leather straps that bound me. One or both of them would come in, to torture, molest, or beat me at whim. Let’s put it this way – it wasn’t very pleasant.

Somewhere going into the second week, I woke to hear a strange sound, it sounded like a voice, but it wasn’t full of rage and malice. I recognised that sound, it came from a different world, a world of dreams and pleasure, a world that no longer existed. The I heard it again.
“Lackey!” it was a hissed whisper, but I did know that voice! Cute Nurse! Ahh! Was she one of them? Was she with them? God no, it would be too much. I closed my eyes, and pretended not to hear. I could bear no more. My body was more orifice than entity, and most of those orifices and been violated numerous times, generally unlubricated, because I had eaten all of that. My genitals were damn near planed off, but had been trained to respond to a slap of a baton to my right nipple. The pain if I didn’t get it up after such a slap was so intense I now had a Pavlov’s dick. My legs and arms were constantly on the verge of dislocation, I was slowly starving to death and I hadn’t shaved in quite a while. These things I could handle, but if Cute Nurse was with them, well that would break my spirit. I dared not open my eyes, dared not look around.

“Lackey you bastard, are you alive? I’m in the window, look behind you!” I did not respond. I was dreaming, and it was probably going to turn into a nightmare. “Lackey!” came the hiss again, “Are you alive? I’m behind you, turn around. God, what have you got yourself into this time, you crazy bastard? Can you move? Lackey!” I gave in, and turned a little in my chains, and opened my good eye. It was Cute Nurse, and she was staring through a grill high in the wall, which must have been ground level outside. When she saw me turn she started to smile, but when she saw my face, the smile turned into a gasp, which she quickly tried to smother. That made me kind of laugh, which made her gasp again. We could have gone on like that all day, but the situation called for attention.
“Lackey, you’re alive! Kind of! Look, I came to get you out, but if I pull this grill out it’ll make a huge amount of noise, and they’ll probably hear us.”
“God, don’t do that!”
“Shh! They’ll hear you!”
“Don’t do that, they’ll kill me, and they’ll probably kill you too. It’s too risky! There has to be another way. That can be plan B.”
“Ok, I’ll go call the cops. Don’t worry, I’ll come straight back.” She started to move away from the window.
“No! No cops.”
“What?
“I have unpaid parking tickets.”
“Oh cripes. Well, there may be another way. There’s some kind of entrance here, looks like it leads down. I’ll dig it out, and see where I get to, hopefully come out underneath you, but it will take some time, ok?”
“Yeah, no worries. Hell I’m getting kind of used to it in here. Not so different from Cosmodemonic, you know.”
“Oh, and Lackey, here, have this.” She threw a small package at me and disappeared. It was a good thing Ebony and the executive had broken most of my bones, it made me flexible enough to pick it up in my feet, transfer it to my hands, all while chained up. It was an iPod. I put it on, and hit random. Stuck in the Middle With You. Brilliant.

Soon, Ebony and the executive both came in to the cage they did a strange kind of sadistic sexual aerobics class that lasted several hours. Then, lying on the floor, the both of them spent, they noticed the white headphones hanging from my ears.
“What the hell is that?”
“It’s an iPod, stud. They play music.”
“I know what it is, where did it come from?”
“I don’t know, maybe he had it hidden in has arse?”
“Well I reckon we’d have found it by now. I reckon maybe you gave it to him. Got a soft spot for this piece of meat, have you?!”
“Don’t you talk to me like that, or I’ll take to you with a vacuum cleaner!”
“Ooh I love it when you talk clean like that!”
“You love it now, it’ll be a different story when you’re inside out my little boy!”
They carried on, got carried away, and left some time later, iPod forgotten.

“Man, those guys are really sick, aren’t they!” It was Cute Nurse popping in for a chat.
“Shouldn’t you be digging or something?”
“You’re welcome. Any time you get yourself chained up in a rich man’s dungeon, and tortured by two psychopathic chainskanking robofreaks, hell I’ll come over and dig for a week to get you out, and don’t you worry about a thing. In fact, be rude to me if you like. I love it.”
“Sorry. I’m just dieing down here, I haven’t eaten in weeks and you know, it’s not altogether pleasant. Hey how did you find me here anyway?”
"After you were missing from work for two full weeks, I went to your apartmentlooking for you.I broke in and found that tacky card with the address scrawled on it pinned to the door so you wouldn't forget it. You really need to clean your place by the way."
"And get better security locks."
“Look, I haven’t got too far to go. I don’t have much in supplies, but maybe you can chew on this.”
She threw me her lipstick and disappeared. Great.

Soon I could hear scratching, and bumping and faint explosions coming from underneath me. It was Cute Nurse, making good progress underneath me, towards a trapdoor next to the cage. I was so proud of her!

Soon enough, the trapdoor burst open and there she stood, smiling, covered in dirt, and somehow never more glorious. She rushed to me, made as if to hug me, then balked when she saw just how disfigured and disgusting I had become.
“I broke a nail,” she said. “Let’s get you loose, shall we” Soon enough all the chains were untied and I staggered to the floor. She helped me up, and with my arm over her shoulders and her arm around my back, we made toward the trapdoor.
As we reached it, we heard a commotion, and Ebony came running into the dungeon.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing! Give him back, he’s mine!”
“Not any more sweetheart,” replied Cute Nurse. “Lackey, get going, I’ll sort this out.” She showved me into the hole, and I fell, squealing like a girl. I managed to make my feet again, and the last thing I heard as I ran tottering along the tunnel Cute Nurse had excavated was: “Your orgy of ugly is over. Now, suffer.”

I ran to the entrance, and out into the light. Blinded, I staggered on, running and blundering as far as I could before my legs finally gave out and I collapsed. Apparently Cute Nurse picked me up about a meter from the entrance, carried me to her car, and drove me to her house to resuscitate.

I faded in and out of consciousness for several days or weeks, and awoke to find Cute Nurse bathing my face with a cloth, tender and beautiful in the moonlight.
“Hi.” I smiled.
“Hullo there, how’re you feeling?”
“Better I guess.”
“Good.”
“Hey, Cute Nurse, what happened back there? Between you and Ebony?”
Her face hardened for a moment. “Don’t worry. You won’t be seeing her again.”
“How’s your fingernail?”
“Oh, don’t you worry about that. I’m tough, I can take it. You just worry about feeling better I was really worried about you. I didn’t realise how worried I was, I think until now, now I know you’re going to be ok. Is there anything I can do to make you feel better? Anything… at all?”
“Oh, no, you’re doing great, I’m just so exhausted still. The physical wounds will heal, but they made me have so much sex, so much filthy degrading sex, that I’m just exhausted, and I just need to rest. Thank you so much, you are so good to me. I don’t deserve it.”

I know. I am not always so stupid, and now that I’m better, whenever I look back on that conversation, I kick myself. Every night.

I tell you what, these guys had it easy.