21st Century Cosmodemonic

A jandal from the inside

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Training

I'm in a training course today and tomorrow.

This means:

a) I get to chill and eat lollies all day.
b) I don't have to learn anything.
c) I can sneak stuff onto a blog if noone's looking - don't want to be the bad student not paying attention, already been caught out a couple of times cos I was checking the news. Oh I do like to be liked.
d) Not much happens today. But if you need a pretty graph, just ask me. Tomorrow anyway.
e) There should be a minimal legal level of cuteness for all trainers. Like what there seems to be for ski instructors. Hopefully now the rule's been trialled there, it can be expanded to pretty graph making and well everything else too! Then maybe real people would turn up to health and safety meetings.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Best title ever

All I need to know is in the title. I'm going to see Snakes on a Plane. Aren't you?

(PS Read the rest of that jandal too, man!)

Newsbreak

Have been busy today hiding from work requests and stuff, and besides had a lot of email to do, so here's an excerpt from The Langshawcrak Times. If you don't understand it, you're probably lucky.

Violence erupted tonight in the ghettos of New Farm as two rival factions of a world movement apparently known as "KrakHoreChic" came to blow(job)s over a local erection. A splinter group, The F*uck-U Crew, and the original group, known as Team F.uck faced off and staxed on in the early hours somewhere between rics and the beat.


In the ensuing mayhem, skulls were cracked, friendships sorely tested, and at least one gang member is known to have found her handbag. "There it is!" She was heard to exclaim, "that's been missing for like days now!" She then dropped a brick in it and swung it at a passerby.


We interviewed one of the leaders of the F*ck-U Crew, a woman known to us only as Zen Master Zen:


Sandra Sully: Master Zen, thank you for your time.


ZMZ (in silhouette but quite clearly a greek goddess of some kind): Oh, no worries, eh! Can I have my monies yet I want to grab a mousaka eh.


SS: Miss Pappas, shitsorry I mean Zen Mster Zen, you represent a gang faction known as F*ck-U Crew, is that right?


ZMZ: Maybe I do, maybe I don't whatsitoyou?


SS: It's said the F*ck-U Crew are the second most feared of the famous New Farm posses.


ZMZ: Second? No way! We're the fearedest by far! We stax on like there's no tomorrow and I also specialise in nun-chuks and screaming.


SS: So you use martial arts?


ZMZ: Huh? Nup. Just throw nuns at people really.


SS: What brought about the split between your new F*ck-U Crew and the original Team F.uck?


ZMZ: Oh, theys just wanted like to sit around and get plastered eh, so I thought, why not start your own crew, Zen? And specialise in water, coffee and soup. And throwing sisters of mercy around and mousaka. So now I'm the F*ck-U Crew. They don't mind much, and I still have to drive them all home but that's ok.


SS: Hold on, how many people are in your Crew?


ZMZ: Oh, just me really, well actually, half of me is in F*ck-U East Side, the other half is in F*ck-U West Side. It's pretty complicated. You wouldn't understand. Yes she would. No she wouldn't. Chut up! No you chut up!


SS: Zen Master Zen, if it's only you in the split-off Crew, what was the cause of all the mayhem last night???


ZMZ: Mayhem? Oh, that, yeah, there was a big arguments about the upcoming local erections. The princehess wanted to erect a teleporter from rics to Langshawcrack Towers for obvious reasons, but JDiddy, with his beautiful assistants MmmmmmmmmmTitty and L.MoFo insisted on erecting a tequilapizza stand. Well, there were running stax on skirmishes all the way along Brunswick Street let me tell youse! Of course it all sorted itself out in the end because it was nearly lock down.


SS: Oh right I see. Tequilapizza sounds nice. I'd love to try some, maybe I could promote it on the news?


ZMZ: Sure I'll give you JDiddy's number...


SS: That guy's so hot... Sandra Sully reporting.

Friday, August 26, 2005

I'm with T-Rex

If you look at it this way, it makes intimations of your own mortality a whole lot more bearable.

Word of the day

My word of the day is "Surreptitious."

It's a cool-sounding word, and a very useful way to do things.

For example: if you go up to the petty cash gnome and ask him to redeem some receipts for you, he'll frown, look up, down, then up and down again, and then mumble something about how that's impossible, and you should have followed process. When you speak in a normal voice at him, he will get terrified and try to run away. Of course, he will find no escape as he's sitting at his desk and you are blocking the only route to the hallway.

Your normal-voiced assertion that the process is in fact to bring the receipts to petty cash to be redeemed will then be met with alternating bouts of mumbling, hesitant confusion and obstreperous outbursts of indignant self-justification.

If you stand in stony silence, blocking the hallway for half an hour, looking coolly at the gnome, he will give in, stamp the receipts and hand you your cash. This can be real fun, and it's a good way to pass half an hour and be able to put it on your time sheet without even having to lie. However sometimes you might be late for a boozy lunch or to grab a cigarette with that cute chick from 14 who you just saw going to the lifts.

If you are in a hurry and don't want to play bait-a-gnome, there is only one way to handle the situation: you must be surreptitious. You sneak up behind the gnome - don't worry he won't notice you, one of the drawbacks of making it your business to ignore and frustrate the world. Then you place your receipts into the random stamping pile. Wait for a couple of minutes, things should take care of themselves.

Then...

You: HA!

Gnome: Whaaa... who... help...

You: You have stamped my receipts, little gnome-shaped man! Now you must pay me my money and no mistake. Ha!

Gnome: Oh, cripes. How much did I stamp? Here they are... hm,mm... carry the one... ok, here's your money. Nice work there, you really got me with that outrageous surreptitiosness. Enjoy your boozy lunch.

You: Thanks you, Gnome. Enjoy your continued efforts to frustrate the world and impede progress.

Gnome: Jolly good.

So that's surreptitious for you. A bloody good adjective to be every now and then.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Callipygian Stars

Capricorn's stars for today:

Canny Caps with the urge to pounce & generous with themselves, are onto something today. Moon in your Romance sector signals a powerfully luxurious phase of warmth, human kindness and good sex.


I'm Capricorn. I must find the Romance sector and drop my pants immediately! It's not on level 15, I know that much... it's probably in the next building, between the petty cash gnome and the ID card witch. I've always sensed something between those two. I'll let you know...

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

A Lesson: Philosophy

I've made it through most of today already. Turns out I can work on these projects from time to time. You've just got to get your panic on.

There's a school of thought, I think derived from some ancient Greek, could be Aristotle, could be Nana Mouskouri, that's designed specifically to avoid nasty incidents like this - the idea is to avoid being judged wanting on false impressions.

We all know that feeling, and it sucks. You go to say something and it comes out wrong and a whole group of friends will never be sure that you don't actually like blow goats. Of course you tell them that you meant to say "I go bloats" but your explanation of a spooneristic mishap while explaining a tendency for sympathy PMT can never be entirely convincing once the initial impression is formed.

Someone walks in on you lieing on your scanner, of course they assume you were having sex with a website. You tell them you were scanning your belly button to check for lint, but will they listen? Oh hell no.

So, here's the trick: if you're going to make a bad impression, make sure you are guilty. Blow that goat. Screw that website. If you get away with it great. If you get found out, at least you can hold your head up high and say "That's right! I did that and I'm proud of it." You're not going to make no stinking excuses or alibis, no sir. No need. You're guilty as sin.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

And so it begins...

With a hangover, as you might expect, and possibly a cold. Hard to tell.

Nobody ever thought I was sensible, so when they finally give me work to do, I set up a blog. We'll see what you have to do to get fired in this place yet. Although you might just have to guess from a sudden cessation of verbage, since I wouldn't be here to post any more now would I? I'd probably have better things to do if I didn't feel the need to be at my desk, waiting for a reasonable hour to go home.

Time for a Costanza, I'd say, but where... under the desk is a bit tricky these days and the toilet cubicle never got comfy. Behind the filing cabinets on 11? On the roof maybe...

I'll get back to you. Soon. Honest.