Newsbreak

Have been busy today hiding from work requests and stuff, and besides had a lot of email to do, so here's an excerpt from The Langshawcrak Times. If you don't understand it, you're probably lucky.

Violence erupted tonight in the ghettos of New Farm as two rival factions of a world movement apparently known as "KrakHoreChic" came to blow(job)s over a local erection. A splinter group, The F*uck-U Crew, and the original group, known as Team F.uck faced off and staxed on in the early hours somewhere between rics and the beat.

In the ensuing mayhem, skulls were cracked, friendships sorely tested, and at least one gang member is known to have found her handbag. "There it is!" She was heard to exclaim, "that's been missing for like days now!" She then dropped a brick in it and swung it at a passerby.

We interviewed one of the leaders of the F*ck-U Crew, a woman known to us only as Zen Master Zen:

Sandra Sully: Master Zen, thank you for your time.

ZMZ (in silhouette but quite clearly a greek goddess of some kind): Oh, no worries, eh! Can I have my monies yet I want to grab a mousaka eh.

SS: Miss Pappas, shitsorry I mean Zen Mster Zen, you represent a gang faction known as F*ck-U Crew, is that right?

ZMZ: Maybe I do, maybe I don't whatsitoyou?

SS: It's said the F*ck-U Crew are the second most feared of the famous New Farm posses.

ZMZ: Second? No way! We're the fearedest by far! We stax on like there's no tomorrow and I also specialise in nun-chuks and screaming.

SS: So you use martial arts?

ZMZ: Huh? Nup. Just throw nuns at people really.

SS: What brought about the split between your new F*ck-U Crew and the original Team F.uck?

ZMZ: Oh, theys just wanted like to sit around and get plastered eh, so I thought, why not start your own crew, Zen? And specialise in water, coffee and soup. And throwing sisters of mercy around and mousaka. So now I'm the F*ck-U Crew. They don't mind much, and I still have to drive them all home but that's ok.

SS: Hold on, how many people are in your Crew?

ZMZ: Oh, just me really, well actually, half of me is in F*ck-U East Side, the other half is in F*ck-U West Side. It's pretty complicated. You wouldn't understand. Yes she would. No she wouldn't. Chut up! No you chut up!

SS: Zen Master Zen, if it's only you in the split-off Crew, what was the cause of all the mayhem last night???

ZMZ: Mayhem? Oh, that, yeah, there was a big arguments about the upcoming local erections. The princehess wanted to erect a teleporter from rics to Langshawcrack Towers for obvious reasons, but JDiddy, with his beautiful assistants MmmmmmmmmmTitty and L.MoFo insisted on erecting a tequilapizza stand. Well, there were running stax on skirmishes all the way along Brunswick Street let me tell youse! Of course it all sorted itself out in the end because it was nearly lock down.

SS: Oh right I see. Tequilapizza sounds nice. I'd love to try some, maybe I could promote it on the news?

ZMZ: Sure I'll give you JDiddy's number...

SS: That guy's so hot... Sandra Sully reporting.