21st Century Cosmodemonic

A jandal from the inside

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Water cooler moment

They talk about water cooler moments - those cultural events, be they on tv or in actual real life that everyone talks about the next day. Well I just had a water cooler moment all of my own.

I went to the water cooler in the kitchen to rehydrate, however, as I was shaking out the cobwebs that seemed to envelope my cranium, I bashed into the door frame, rather than suavely sashaying through the door like what I meant to. Anyhow, this led to a brief loss of bearings, a fatal loss of coordination and a subsequent loss of dignity and self respect. I slipped on a pickle.

Embarrassing as this was, there was worse to come. The pickle slid, my balance went, and the floor tilted alarmingly. I woke up seeing stars, and more thirsty than ever.

Luckily the stars were the ones that Cute Nurse pinned to the ceiling of the sick room. Mostly posters of hideous boy bands, there's one of T.a.T.u. hiding in there just for me. I'm her most regular patient, she tells me, which I take to mean I have a great bum. "Hey, you too, babe," I smile as I drift into consciousness, only to find it's Nurse Battleaxe and she's frowning down at me, the grey hairs on her chin and the ones falling out of her tied back old lady do all a-quiver with the chance to hurt, maim, tell off, and (maybe still somewhere far back in her twisted conscience) heal all at once with a helpless Lackey lying on the sick bed.

She's made one mistake, however: she hasn't used the straps to tie me down. Clearly she underestimated the power a Lackey's thirst has - it woke me, now I'm finding water immediately! "Water..." I groan. Don't worry it's only tactic number one.

"I'll fetch you some in a moment, just you lie still while I finish this bandage. Oh you've been in the wars again, my boy, I don't know how one man can double the nursing staff of a building."

Typical! There she goes already, starting with the snide insults, pretty soon she'll be on at me to change my ways. Not bloody likely! "Away, foul harridan!" I scream, as I hurl myself from the sick bed headfirst to the floor.

I wake up seeing stars. As T.a.T.u. fade into view I feel a sting progress through ache to hurt to hurt like nothing I’ve ever felt before!!! Through the blood that seems to cake my eyes, I see the Cute Nurse, smiling at me as she deals savagely to a wilful needle that has dug itself into my arm, and is now twisting and yelping like a beast. "Sorry, matey, I was just practising taking blood, I’m not too good at it yet, as you can tell – so I thought I’d give it a go while you were sleeping."

"Hey, Cute Nurse, that’s aarrgggh ok, no arrggghh problem at aarrgggll. Whaddya doin later?"

"Oh, my boyfriend’s taking me to the rodeo. Wanna come?"

"Um, no thanks. Arrggh! When are you gonna arg leave that arg bum for me?"

"Oh, Lackey, you’re such a charmer you sweet talking devil!"


"It’s cute. In a puppy dog kind of way."

"Argh. How much blood are you taking!!?"

I woke up seeing stars.


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