Incident Report

Aright you motherfuckers, now just where did I put that nitro glycerine? Today I’ve finally had it – something’s gotta be done and I reckon I’m the guy to do it. Hell, this is one Lackey who’s finally had enough. There’s bits of the building still falling off and I’ve got the shakes worse than ever. There’s less and less sense being made here every day, and there wasn’t much to start with. I don’t think I can take it anymore and I definitely don’t want to! There’s a feeling in the air, a sense of revolution, and I know you feel it too. Join with me, let’s sing La Marseillaise and knock a few heads about. Cut some off and play soccer with them through the streets.

Um, hello everybody it’s the Cute Nurse here. Lackey has told me about this blog of his once or twice, in fact I think his exact words once were "Goddammit Cute Nurse, if you don’t open this door and give me more pills right now, I’m gonna post on my blog and tell the whole world how evil you are!!"

Anyway, I found this half-written post on his PC just now, and I thought anyone who does actually read this thing might want an update on what’s going on with Lackey. The poor man really can get himself worked up, as you probably know. And judging from what he’d written at the top of this post, he sure was worked up when he wrote that. And I guess he had a bit of an episode. Don’t worry I’m looking after him now. I’ve put him to bed down in the sick bay, and I’ll make sure he gets plenty of rest for a while. I’m sure he’ll be back to his old self in no time. Which is what worries me!

We’ve pieced together events as best we can between us all, and here’s what we think happened. Lackey was approaching the end of his tether, and probably needed to come down and see me for a sedative of some kind. It’s standard practice at cosmodemonic to sedate the staff as necessary, and Lackey takes advantage of this more than most. Management think it’s good that he uses the facilities as he thinks appropriate, I’m not so sure myself, but it’s my job, and I really do think it stops people from going off the deep end while they work here. I do feel some confliction regarding my job. Lackey is a special case though, and I sometimes have to give him aspirin and tell him it’s morphine.

It appears that just as Lackey was finally losing his cool, and no doubt that blue vein at the side of his forehead was starting to pulse again, he found a dead fly under his desk. He must have decided that it was the fly he once named Vodka-Legs and made friends with. And this seems to have transferred him from a psychopathic rage instantly into some kind of impotent, tragic self-pitying near coma.

It would appear that Lackey was curled in the fetal position, rocking slowly and muttering to himself for nearly a week. This is not an unusual sight at Cosmodemonic, although I am quite disappointed that nobody called me. It’s my job to take care of people in these situations. Anyway, Lackey doesn’t seem to be the most popular staff member here, sometimes he can actually be quite obnoxious, which I think is a shame, because I think he’s quite a nice boy underneath it all, and he was a long way under his desk, so I guess he was hard to spot there, rocking and muttering. Until this morning, that is, when one vigilant soul noticed that he wasn’t wearing his ID badge. They called Young Eddie from security, who usually sorts the ID cards out. Eddie’s lovely, a nice cheerful old Irishman with a red face and white hair. He knows everyone in the building and looks after us well. He always has a story to tell me when I stop by. He’s had a couple of run-ins with Lackey, and doesn’t seem to trust him, but he took one look at him under the desk, and called the Sick Room. I came straight up and found him pushing a dead fly around with a pencil, and saying "Vroooom! Vroooom!" like it was an airplane about to take off. "Fly Vodka-Legs, fly don’t die! Vroooom! Vroooom!" He seemed almost autistic at that point, and I was quite worried.

Eddie helped me carry Lackey to the elevator, and down to the sick room. I sedated him heavily, and we’ve left him to sleep it off. The last words he muttered as he was passing out were "Don’t die. Don’t ever die. You’re the only one who understands me vodka nurse angel wings." I took it as a compliment, and a request for refreshment. He’s got an I.V. drip in, as he was severely dehydrated and the only thing he’d eaten for a week was his ID card. He’ll have a new one waiting for him when he wakes up, let’s hope he doesn’t eat that one!

...

Jesus Christ, what’s going on around here?! Shit I take a blog hiatus for half a week, you’d think it was the end of the world. Well, let me tell you, if they want to keep me away, they’ll have to tie the restraints a lot tighter next time! Anyway, sorry I’ve been away for a bit, had some orgies to attend to, you know the drill, but I’m back now. Will keep you all updated, but I’ve got a bit of a headache at the moment, so I might just go for a lie down in the sick room. Cute Nurse was here before, on my PC, but I told her if she didn’t want to give me food or head, she could at least pop down and get me more morphine tablets. For once, she was agreeable (well, not about the head, but I’m working on it, don’t you worry). She is usually a formidable adversary, so something must be up. Will keep you all informed later, after I’ve had a rest.