Near raise experience

My boss called me today. This is usually a cause for a feeling of great boding, but this time it’s all turned out ok(ish):

Lackey: [Sarcastic, obviously] Welcome to Cosmodemonic, how may I be of your assistance?
Lackey’s Boss: Oh, hello Lackey, nice phone manner there, very good, very good.
L: Oh, hello boss, yeah. Thanks.
LB: Not at all. Quite alright old chap. Now I’ve been hearing a story about you lately. Can it be true?
L: Um, possibly. But it was nothing, honestly. It’s all back to normal now, honestly. Honest.
LB: But for an entire week?
L: Um, yeah, pretty much a week, yeah.
LB: My God man, spending a full week at work without even leaving the building is inspiring stuff! I’m proud of you for once. I was even going to give you a raise, but you say everything’s back to normal now, so never mind. But just so you know the thought was there! That should keep you inspired!
L: Uh, yeah, thanks boss, I appreciate it, I sure will stay motivated and maybe even put in another week real soon, thanks for the thought anyway. You’re gone already aren’t you? You bastard. Shit.