21st Century Cosmodemonic

A jandal from the inside

Friday, January 20, 2006

Sugar Glider

One of the most beautiful things about life here at 21st Century Cosmodemonic is the wide range of opportunities the company offers its employees. A range of opportunities limited only by the imagination and chutzpah of the employee.

Today we have a beautiful example from level 11, the floor of petty bureaucracy gone madder, and home of the Sugar Glider - one ornery middle aged, morning-tea-cake eating grandmother of none. Named for her resemblance to the flying squirrel, Sugar Glider is very elusive when there's work to be done, and has enormous deposits of fat under her arms, causing mild consternation amongst innocent passers-by whenever the wind gets up.

She has lately performed a minor coup and set a new level for all aspirants to corporate laziness to aspire to. The health and safety officer role used to be part of one supervisor's job. Recently Sugar Glider assumed the responsibility, and cunningly set about complaining about all the health and safety issues that were creating imminent dangers in the work place.

Convex mirrors were erected at all corridor corners so blind and quiet walkers didn't walk into each other. Signs were posted everywhere warning of everything. Other signs were posted advising that the signs should be read diligently. Other signs were posted advising that it is a sackable offence to graffiti the signs. Meetings were held to design more signs, which were duly created and posted. It was decided that it is too dangerous to walk through doors holding coffee. You must walk the long way around the floor, or down the coffee first. Sitting on desks was ruled out, and signs were posted on desks to so advise. Open toed shoes and mobile phones were ruled out, unless you were higher in the organisation than Sugar Glider in which case they no longer posed a risk.

Quickly in this process, Sugar Glider had done so much good work, that it was clear that the health and safety role needed to become a full time position. I thought at that point that she had achieved everything she wanted, and the madness would soon cease. But I was wrong. Sugar Glider wasn't just after the easy job and a laugh, no! Sugar Glider craved power, authority. So she kept going, relentlessly signing signs and ruling rulings. Anything she didn't apporove of was a health and safety hazard - slightly sexy clothes could cause colds and flus. Laughter could cause headaches. Open blinds could cause eyestrain. Soon the floor resembled a cave. With everyone wearing full length drab clothes, and at all times maintaining an expression of aloof indifference, it was clearly a cave gulag filled with robot workers. You could almost hear Stalin laughing, but of course he wouldn't have been allowed to.

Having created this atmosphere of fear, loathing and automated misery, Sugar Glider has now acieved what she really wanted from the start: 21CCd has given her two assistants! Sugar Glider wanted a cabal, and now she has one.

They wanted to throw a party, but it turned out they had already ruled against parties on or off the business premises, in or out of working hours. So they threw a health and safety meeting open to the floor, and it turned out the big issue was the toilet paper seemed to have got rougher lately. A letter was drafted to the building maintenance people and that was, for the time being, that.

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